It’s been awhile since I blogged. I have avoided writing while I have gone through the most difficult time of my life so far. I have just experienced what we all avoid thinking about or even imagining our whole lives. I just lost my mother. I have gone through all the anger. She was too young. Its not fair. She suffered too much. Then I went through the reasoning. At least shes not in pain anymore. Shes not suffering. She’s in a better place you know, all the things they tell us to make us feel better. Until you go through it you cant even imagine what it is like. And why would you think of what it would be like if you don’t have to? Nothing can prepare you for this horrible event. What I will say is the roller coaster of emotions is unimaginable. She suffered from lung cancer. She loved her smoking. I spent my whole life trying to get her to quit. She pretended to quit a couple of times, but the fact is, she loved it. I know it is the most difficult addiction in the world. She even watched her own mother suffer and die of the same thing. The addiction was bigger than she was. I am angry because she couldn’t quit for her family. But I am sad because she didn’t have the strength to stop. She loved her family more than anything ever. She was the epitome of unconditional love. No matter how much I messed up she was there for me. No judging. Just love. And understanding. And compassion. Then you do what you have to do. I spoke at her funeral. As hard as it was, I owed it to her. Shes my mother who did everything for me my whole entire life. And I was humbled by the outcome. She had friends and family come from all over the country. My mom even had an effect on MY friends. I had friends from near and far attend. I had people I haven’t talked to in years reach out to express their condolences. The out pour of love and compassion was beyond my wildest imagination. Then there’s that grey area. Where people don’t know what to say, if anything. It was strange. People I hadn’t talked to in years or people I hardly knew reached out with the kindest sentiments. Then people I knew fairly well didn’t say anything. The one thing I learned is that just acknowledging it and saying anything means the world. And it taught me moving forward that I will always reach out to people who go through this. Saying nothing is the worst thing you can do. Fast forward to today, one month later. I am still angry. I get mad at people who smoke knowing what the risks are. In my Moms defense, she didn’t know the risks of smoking when she started. They didnt have the education back then. But people these days know the risks. And if you ever saw anyone die of lung cancer you would never start. One of the hardest things for me today is watching my friends smoke and make excuses for it. Oh, I only smoke when I drink. I smoke to relax. And the best I take care of myself because I eat well and work out. Yes, I am angry. Then, as time goes on, people think because the funeral is over that its all in the past. I have to admit that its actually harder now than it was a month ago. A month ago I was home, with my family and we were all going through the same thing with each other. Now I am back home to reality. And people think I am back to normal, when in reality I am more vulnerable than ever. I have normal moments followed by bouts of uncontrollable crying. Out of nowhere I will get some random thought and just break down. It is assumed I am back to normal. No, I am not. Just because the funeral is over doesn’t mean its back to reality. For now I can not do what I normally do. If I am not reaching out to you it is because I cant. I spend most of my life taking care of the people around me. This is a very rare, and I hope brief, time that I need people to take care of me. And it doesn’t feel comfortable. It is not my nature. But I want to express my extreme gratitude to those who HAVE been there for me. My phone rings and beeps constantly by those who care. I try to get back to all of you. If I haven’t, please forgive me. Your messages don’t go unnoticed. This obviously brings me to how does life go on? I wish I knew to be honest with you. What I do know is that I am so lucky to have my family. I appreciate my Mom and Dad more than ever. She was an amazing mother. I could call her anytime and know she would answer. She lived for her family. She was lucky enough to never have to work. And my Dad takes care of his family like nobody I know. He is an amazing provider and makes sure his family is taken care of. Did we always get along? NO!! But he damn well takes care of his family. I cant imagine being with anyone who couldn’t do the same. And if I haven’t expressed that to him yet it is the utmost compliment anyone could get. I said it at the funeral but it means even more now. All I have to say right now is that it is one day at a time. I have a good day. I have a bad day. I have cried more in the last 2 days than I have in the last month. Why? No idea. I dont question it. What I DO know is that we will all go through this. Twice. Unless, unfortunately, we go before our parents. My wish is that the people I love would take care of themselves. That’s all we can do. So much is out of our control. But we need to do what is in our power. I want to thank all of those who sent food and made contributions. The love and generosity is beyond amazing. Here’s to one more day.

With New Year’s resolutions on full ramp-up its a challenge to keep up the momentum. Whether its for health reasons or vanity reasons, many people make the resolution to lose weight or get in shape. I personally make this a priority year round. Part of it is for vanity. I have been overweight before and have struggled with it since Ive been a teenager. Ive never been huge but I have gone up and down in weight. I decided years ago that I prefer being thin over being fat. With that as my vision I do what it takes to keep this resolution to myself. Not just at New Years, but always. Is it easy? Hell NOOOOO! I would love to eat junk food and lay around. But I choose health. I work out daily, eat very healthy, dont smoke or do drugs. Some people would say I have amazing willpower. Whatever you call it I just hate being fat. But most of all it is for health and not vanity reasons. I dont want to spend any time at doctors offices or hospitals that I don’t have to. This year my resolution has nothing to do with more diet or exercise regimes. It has to do with not judging the people I care about. It bothers me enormously when the people I love dont take care of themselves. I almost take it personally. I am surrounded by chain smokers, people who eat very unhealthily, people who abuse drugs and alcohol you name it. It is not my job to change people but I get very upset. There are so many things we do not have control over. But we can control what we put into our bodies. I have cried and lost sleep over the reality that these people don’t take care of themselves. What will I do without them one day? This year will be the most difficult resolution of all. To not judge these people and accept them for who they are. All I can do is control myself. However, if I could actually send a message to the world it would be to take care of yourself. We only get this one life (unless you believe in reincarnation, and that would be a different blog). Why would you want to destroy it? Happy New Year!!

As many of you know, I am crazy in love with my dog! I have had dogs my whole life and even ran my own dog walking/pet sitting business. But I have never loved a dog more than this little creature. Noodle has changed my life. It was a strange chain of events that he even came into my life. After my last dog passed away it took me eight years to even consider getting another dog. After rescuing a dog for my parents I decided it was finally time for me. I was on the list to adopt a little Maltese, Buddy. I was approved but had to wait about 10 days until he recovered from being neutered. In the mean time, Noodle (formerly knows as Shaggy) was being networked like crazy on Facebook. I was laying by the pool one day when my phone was beeping incessantly by a chain of people offering to help save Shaggy from the kill shelter he was in. It was his last day there. He was on death row and his cell mate had just been adopted. There were so many volunteers who offered to pull him from the shelter, take him to the vet, pay for his neutering, etc. So many people to help but nobody could keep him. I chimed in to this chain and informed these kind people that I could foster him in the interim as I was about to adopt another dog. Sure enough, they took me up on my offer. He was delivered to me in less than two days. He was a mess, as you can see from his before picture. He had a cone around his neck from just being neutered. His fur (if that’s what you want to call it) was completely dreaded out and matted. He was full of fleas and ticks and smelled like, well, the streets. Knowing I was not going to keep him I made it a point to not get attached. However, this dog would not have that. He followed me everywhere, jumped on whatever furniture I was on to sit on my lap, and basically started his mission of brainwashing me. I was instructed not to bathe him for at least 10 days due to his neutering. On that 10th day I brought him to the groomer, who proceeded to shave him down to resemble a large rodent. He couldn’t thank me enough. In fact, his whole rescue posse showed up for this event. Who knows where he came from, but Im sure he never received this royal treatment he was so demanding. Well, at this point not much continued with the efforts of finding him a home. Hell, there were other dogs who needed help and he was out of danger. We tried giving him to one family, however their dog did not like Shaggy. So he was returned to me. At this point I was thinking that Buddy would not be in my future. I hesitantly called Buddy’s foster and told her my situation. She understood and found Buddy an amazing home. After 3 months I realized Shaggy wasn’t going anywhere. And HE made that decision, not ME! And that’s where I succumbed to foster failure. Yep, he adopted me.  I figured I better name him. Because he can bend every which way like a wet noodle and his fur grows in like a pot of noodles, he earned his name. Fast forward I have never been happier. He, by far, is the absolute most affectionate dog. Like most dogs, he loves me unconditionally. He is happy ALL the time. He loves everyone, including the vet, the groomer and big scary people in the park. He makes me laugh with the way he sleeps, how he talks in his sleep, his funny positions and his famous dance. The way he greets me at the door makes me feel like a rock star. When I am sad or upset he is right there by my side trying to make me laugh even if I dont want to. He wakes up every morning with hugs and kisses. These are all ways of thanking me, but I owe much more thanks to him than he does to me. My message to you: if you are considering a dog, please rescue! They are the best pets and they thank you 100 times over. You can see the before/after pictures here. Every day I think about how this precious guy almost didn’t make it. There are so many dogs and cats who don’t make it. Please think about rescuing if you plan on adopting. It breaks my heart that people pay thousands of dollars for a dog when there are millions who don’t make it. Thanks for reading time to go walk the dog!