A Sad Goodbye

It’s been awhile since I blogged. I have avoided writing while I have gone through the most difficult time of my life so far. I have just experienced what we all avoid thinking about or even imagining our whole lives. I just lost my mother. I have gone through all the anger. She was too young. Its not fair. She suffered too much. Then I went through the reasoning. At least shes not in pain anymore. Shes not suffering. She’s in a better place you know, all the things they tell us to make us feel better. Until you go through it you cant even imagine what it is like. And why would you think of what it would be like if you don’t have to? Nothing can prepare you for this horrible event. What I will say is the roller coaster of emotions is unimaginable. She suffered from lung cancer. She loved her smoking. I spent my whole life trying to get her to quit. She pretended to quit a couple of times, but the fact is, she loved it. I know it is the most difficult addiction in the world. She even watched her own mother suffer and die of the same thing. The addiction was bigger than she was. I am angry because she couldn’t quit for her family. But I am sad because she didn’t have the strength to stop. She loved her family more than anything ever. She was the epitome of unconditional love. No matter how much I messed up she was there for me. No judging. Just love. And understanding. And compassion. Then you do what you have to do. I spoke at her funeral. As hard as it was, I owed it to her. Shes my mother who did everything for me my whole entire life. And I was humbled by the outcome. She had friends and family come from all over the country. My mom even had an effect on MY friends. I had friends from near and far attend. I had people I haven’t talked to in years reach out to express their condolences. The out pour of love and compassion was beyond my wildest imagination. Then there’s that grey area. Where people don’t know what to say, if anything. It was strange. People I hadn’t talked to in years or people I hardly knew reached out with the kindest sentiments. Then people I knew fairly well didn’t say anything. The one thing I learned is that just acknowledging it and saying anything means the world. And it taught me moving forward that I will always reach out to people who go through this. Saying nothing is the worst thing you can do. Fast forward to today, one month later. I am still angry. I get mad at people who smoke knowing what the risks are. In my Moms defense, she didn’t know the risks of smoking when she started. They didnt have the education back then. But people these days know the risks. And if you ever saw anyone die of lung cancer you would never start. One of the hardest things for me today is watching my friends smoke and make excuses for it. Oh, I only smoke when I drink. I smoke to relax. And the best I take care of myself because I eat well and work out. Yes, I am angry. Then, as time goes on, people think because the funeral is over that its all in the past. I have to admit that its actually harder now than it was a month ago. A month ago I was home, with my family and we were all going through the same thing with each other. Now I am back home to reality. And people think I am back to normal, when in reality I am more vulnerable than ever. I have normal moments followed by bouts of uncontrollable crying. Out of nowhere I will get some random thought and just break down. It is assumed I am back to normal. No, I am not. Just because the funeral is over doesn’t mean its back to reality. For now I can not do what I normally do. If I am not reaching out to you it is because I cant. I spend most of my life taking care of the people around me. This is a very rare, and I hope brief, time that I need people to take care of me. And it doesn’t feel comfortable. It is not my nature. But I want to express my extreme gratitude to those who HAVE been there for me. My phone rings and beeps constantly by those who care. I try to get back to all of you. If I haven’t, please forgive me. Your messages don’t go unnoticed. This obviously brings me to how does life go on? I wish I knew to be honest with you. What I do know is that I am so lucky to have my family. I appreciate my Mom and Dad more than ever. She was an amazing mother. I could call her anytime and know she would answer. She lived for her family. She was lucky enough to never have to work. And my Dad takes care of his family like nobody I know. He is an amazing provider and makes sure his family is taken care of. Did we always get along? NO!! But he damn well takes care of his family. I cant imagine being with anyone who couldn’t do the same. And if I haven’t expressed that to him yet it is the utmost compliment anyone could get. I said it at the funeral but it means even more now. All I have to say right now is that it is one day at a time. I have a good day. I have a bad day. I have cried more in the last 2 days than I have in the last month. Why? No idea. I dont question it. What I DO know is that we will all go through this. Twice. Unless, unfortunately, we go before our parents. My wish is that the people I love would take care of themselves. That’s all we can do. So much is out of our control. But we need to do what is in our power. I want to thank all of those who sent food and made contributions. The love and generosity is beyond amazing. Here’s to one more day.